Thank you to all of you that left such kind comments and entered my very first give away.  This was a great learning experience for me and hopefully it was fun for you!

Rafflecopter and Random.org chose the winner of the Modest book and Grace bracelet.  Summer M. is our lucky winner!  Congratulations to Summer!

For His Glory ~

Y’all….I’m a small-time blogger.  I’ve shared before, I write because it’s therapy and because I really do believe that God made me to write.  Maybe not everything I’ve ever written should have been said.  Actually, I can say for sure that not everything I’ve ever written should have been said.  But just because I don’t always say the right thing, that doesn’t diminish the drive to write.  And I write because it seems to be a ministry of sorts, and encouragement to others.  And because you all have been such a blessing and encouragement to me over the years, I have wanted to do a give away for a long time.  But, like I said, I’m a small-time blogger and really have no clue what I’m doing.  🙂  So will you bear with me as we venture out into my very first giveaway?

This week I am giving away a copy of the book that I referenced heavily in my series Of Modesty and Grace, Modest: Men and Women Clothed in the Gospel by Tim Challies and RW Glenn.  I am also giving away a hand stamped aluminum Grace bracelet (pictured above) from FaithHopeBelieve.  Neither Challies and Glenn nor FaithHopeBelieve have a clue who I am or that I am giving their products away.  Like I said, I am just doing this because I love you all and it sounded like fun.  🙂

So, if you loved the series (or just want the book and bracelet) comment on this post to enter.  The giveaway begins today and will close next Tuesday, February 11. I will announce the winner (Lord willing) on February 12 (but remember, life is prone to happen here, so please be patient with me if I’m late a day or so).

And if you’re just now joining us and would like to read the whole series, start to finish, links can be found below.

Thanks again, friends, for joining me on this journey with My Ears are Tired.  I am blessed to have you all here with me.

Important Edit – if you are entering the giveaway, after you comment below, please click this link in parentheses –> ( a Rafflecopter giveaway) and enter the contest manually at Rafflecopter.com.  Because I am a small time blogger, things aren’t working quite like they should.  Thanks for being so fabulous and flexible!  🙂

For His Glory ~

Of Modesty and Grace: A Six Part Series

Intro

Part I: Backstory and Bible Verses

Part II: Is Modesty More Than What We Wear?

Part III: Culture, Context, and Time

Part IV: What Does Our Immodesty Say About Us?

Part V: Who’s Responsibility Is It?

Part VI:  Where Do We Go From Here?

Today we’ll wrap up this series on modesty and grace.  Pretty soon I will do my first ever give away, which will include the book that I have referenced frequently (Modest: Men and Women Clothed in the Gospel) by Tim Challies and RW Glenn.  Keep an eye out here and on the Facebook page for more info on that when it comes available!

If you’re just now joining us, here are the links to catch up.

Intro

Part I – Backstory and Bible Verses

Part II – Is Modesty More Than What We Wear?

Part III – Culture, Context, and Time

Part IV – What Does Our Immodesty Say About Us?

Part V – Who’s Responsibility Is It?

Today let’s talk about where we go from here.  How do we break out of this?  How do we get away from the annual Bikini and Yoga Pant Wars?  How do we get to the heart of the issue and focus on the real problem – our own idols and pride and sin nature?

We start by accepting that modesty outside the gospel of grace is legalism.

There is freedom in Christ and modesty is cultural, contextual, and fluctuating.  Yes, there are absolutes, but those are very limited in Scripture, and God leaves a lot of grey area because, I believe, He wants us to constantly be seeking Him, coming to Him, studying His living and active Word for what He is doing in each of our lives.

We accept the grace He has given to each of us and we extend it generously to one another.

We talk to our husbands and ask their honest opinions, not ones shaped by what they’ve been told or trained to think, but what’s really in their hearts.  We pray for them to have hearts and minds that are pure and focused on God’s best and practicing self-control so their eyes and desires are focused on us, their wives.

We pray that God would make us wives that are desirable to our husbands (because this does matter).

We teach our daughters and our sons that what they see in pictures and on silver screens is fake.  More of it than we will ever know.

We tell them that God made the body beautiful.  He made us to be attracted to each other.  He made us to desire each other.  He also made us to practice self control and to think and not be ruled by our passions and desires.

We teach our daughters that they are not ultimately responsible for how men look at them.   Yes, we have to make wise choices in our dress, but if a man can be caused to stumble because a woman’s knee caps are exposed, there’s not much else we can do aside from head-to-toe covering.  And lust and rape and other crimes against women happen in those cultures too – and it’s almost always the woman’s “fault”.

Let’s teach our sons and our daughters that beauty is more than skin deep, but that God also made us beautiful and He delights in our beauty like a groom delights in his bride and it is ok to look beautiful and feel beautiful – as long as that is not our primary goal in life!

And let us teach our children to listen to God’s conviction in their individual lives and show grace to those who may be in a different place.

We teach our daughters (and ourselves) that using our beauty to gain power over a man is sinful and wrong and our beauty is to please the Lord, but there is nothing wrong with being beautiful and stylish.

Let’s teach our sons what Nate Pyle said he will one day teach his son (this is lengthy, but worth it)…

Someday I am going to have to have the conversation with my son.  No, not the conversation all parents dread giving and all kids are mortified having.  I enjoy making people uncomfortable so that conversation should be fun. No, I’m talking about another conversation.  The one that happens after I catch his eye doing what male eyes do well – following an object of lust.  We will probably be out at the mall, because that’s what dads do with their sons, and I’ll catch the look.  Maybe we’ll go to the beach and see it.  Doesn’t matter where it is, there will come a time when I will see it.  And then it will be time for this conversation:

‘Hey, come here.  Let me talk to you.  I saw you look at her.  I’m not judging you or shaming you.  I know why you did.  I get it.  But we have to talk about it because how you look at a woman matters.

A lot of people will try and tell you that a woman should watch how she dresses so she doesn’t tempt you to look at her wrongly.  Here is what I will tell you.  It is a woman’s responsibility to dress herself in the morning.  It is your responsibility to look at her like a human being regardless of what she is wearing.  You will feel the temptation to blame her for your wandering eyes because of what she is wearing – or not wearing.  But don’t.  Don’t play the victim.  You are not a helpless victim when it comes to your eyes.  You have full control over them.  Exercise that control.  Train them to look her in the eyes.  Discipline yourself to see her, not her clothes or her body.  The moment you play the victim you fall into the lie that you are simply an embodied reaction to external stimuli unable to determine right from wrong, human from flesh.

Look right at me.  That is a ridiculous lie.

You are more than that.  And the woman you are looking at is more than her clothes.  She is more than her body.  There is a lot of talk about how men objectify women, and largely, it is true.  Humans objectify the things they love in effort to control them.  If you truly love a person, do not reduce them to an object.  The moment you objectify another human – woman or man, you give up your humanity.

There are two views regarding a woman’s dress code that you will be pressured to buy into.  One view will say that women need to dress to get the attention of men.  The other view will say women need to dress to protect men from themselves.  Son, you are better than both of these.  A woman, or any human being, should not have to dress to get your attention.  You should give them the full attention they deserve simply because they are a fellow human being.  On the other side, a woman should not have to feel like she needs to protect you from you.  You need to be in control of you.

Unfortunately, much of how the sexes interact with each other is rooted in fear.  Fear of rejection, fear of abuse, fear of being out of control. We fear each other because we have been taught the other is dangerous.  We’ve been a taught a woman’s body will cause men to sin.  We’re told that if a woman shows too much of her body men will do stupid things.  Let’s be clear: a woman’s body is not dangerous to you.  Her body will not cause you harm.  It will not make you do stupid things.  If you do stupid things it is because you chose to do stupid things.  So don’t contribute to the fear that exists between men and women.

A woman’s body is beautiful and wonderful and mysterious.  Respect it by respecting her as an individual with hopes and dreams and experiences and emotions and longings.  Let her be confident.  Encourage her confidence.  But don’t do all this because she is weaker.  That’s the biggest bunch of crap out there.  Women are not weaker than men.  They are not the weaker sex.  They are the other sex.

I’m not telling you to not look at women.  Just the opposite.  I’m telling you to see women.  Really see them.  Not just with your eyes, but with your heart.  Don’t look to see something that tickles your senses, but see a human being. My hope is that changing how you see women will change how you are around them.  Don’t just be around women.  Be with women.

Because in the end, they want to be with you.  Without fear of being judged, or shamed, or condemned, or objectified, or being treated as other.  And that’s not just what women want.  That’s what people want. Ultimately, it’s what you want.’

And let’s teach our daughters that that’s what they want in a man too.  They don’t want what they hear in popular music or see on music videos where a woman is only her body, they want a man who sees her for what she really is – a fellow human being, made in the image of the invisible God, worthy of all the care, respect, and honor he can muster because she is a child of the One True King.

And we remember that Christ-like modesty is rooted in love and we extend grace to one another for the freedoms we may or may not have and we cling to the gospel of love as we live out our lives with fellow believers and nonbelievers alike.

We believe and teach what C.S. Lewis said,

The Christian rule of chastity must not be confused with the social rule of “modesty” (in one sense of that word); i.e., propriety, or decency.  The social rule of propriety lays down how much of the human body should be displayed and what subjects can be referred to, and in what words, according to the customs of a given social circle.  Thus, while the rule of chastity is the same for all Christians at all times,the rule of propriety changes.  A girl in the Pacific islands wearing hardly any clothes and a Victorian lady completely covered in clothes might both be equally “modest”, proper, or decent, according to the standards of their own societies:  and both, for all we could tell by their dress, might be equally chaste (or unchaste)….When people break the rule of propriety current in their own time and place, if they do so in order to excite lust in themselves or others, then they are offending against chastity.  But if they break it through ignorance or carelessness they are guilty only of bad manners.  When, as often happens, they break it defiantly in order to shock or embarrass others, they are not necessarily being unchaste, but they are being uncharitable.

And so, “let all that [we] do be done in love” (I Corinthians 16:14), and let us “give thanks in all things” (I Thessalonians 5:18), and “whether [we] eat or drink or whatever [we] do, do all to the glory of God (I Corinthians 10:31) for He paid the ultimate price to buy our freedom and He showers us with endless grace and mercy and love, so let us not weigh ourselves down with a yoke of legalism nor let us disgrace His great name by abusing the liberty He has bought for us.  Instead, let us seek Him daily to know Him more and reflect His love to everyone around us, in our clothing, in our hospitality, in our generosity, in every way, because His grace covers every thing.

For His Glory ~

 

So we’ve been discussing modesty and grace following a recent request for me to speak to a local mom’s group on the topic.  In case you’re just joining us, the previous posts can be found here:

Intro

Part I – Backstory and Bible Verses

Part II – Is Modesty More Than What We Wear

Part IV – What Does Our Immodesty Say About Us?

Part V – Who’s Responsibility Is It?

Part VI – Where Do We Go From Here?

Today I want to look at some other aspects of modesty and what shapes or influences our concept of this seemingly elusive ideal.  So let’s discuss…Is modesty cultural?  Is it contextual?  And does the image of modesty change over time?  Here we go….

Is Modesty Cultural?

If you have travelled outside of the US at all, or even if you’ve travelled to areas outside the midwest, it doesn’t take long to see that modesty can be considered cultural.

When I travelled to Germany in high school (a very long time ago), our teacher discussed with us and our parents beforehand that we may be exposed to what, in the States at that time, would be considered almost pornographic.  She explained that nudity on magazine covers or television programs in Europe was not considered odd or unacceptable and we should be prepared for that.  Yet, when I travelled to the Middle East three years later, I was told it was immodest to show bare forearms, even in the 90-degree sun.  And then, in travelling to the Caribbean recently with my husband, we learned that topless sunbathing is not at all unusual (also true on many European beaches), and in our observing of passers-by, the only gawkers tended to be the Americans.

Going back to Challies and Glenn and their book Modest: Men and Women Clothed in the Gospel, “Modesty and discretion are virtues (inner characteristics), but our culture determines the way that modesty and discretion express themselves in our dress and behavior (outward appearance)” (emphasis mine).

And so it seems, at least to me, that modesty is cultural.  I think the struggle comes when we equate modesty with purity or chastity.  One can dress in incredibly “modest” clothing by their cultural standard, and still be unchaste in heart, mind, and/or body.  Chastity, as defined in Scripture, is the same for all believers throughout time, while modesty is (at least somewhat) dependent on cultural norms and standards.

Is Modesty Contextual?

So, going back to our Bikini Wars, let’s think about swimsuits for a moment.  Let’s all decide that a one-piece swimsuit is modest.  Not a tankini that could creep up and show your belly, but a real, true, bonafide one-piece.  If it has a skirt, you get bonus points.

Now, wear that to church.  Or a wedding.  Or a job interview.  Do you feel modest now?  Are you thinking, this was an excellent choice…I don’t stand out at all.  No, you feel ridiculous and exposed and like you desperately want to crawl under a rock and hide.

And so, could it be, that modesty is contextual?  What is modest in one setting may be completely immodest in another?

 Challies and Glenn write in Modest, “It is only the application of the gospel to valid cultural norms regarding dress that will allow your judgment of what is and is not modest in a given circumstance to be legitimately Christian.”

Does the picture of modesty change over time?

Let’s go back to I Timothy 2:9-10, for example, where we can see that the cultural and contextual definition of modesty can change over time.

It says, “women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.”

Now, for the most part, we no longer consider braided hair or jewelry to be immodest in any setting.  Cleary, with the definition we are working toward, both could be worn immodestly (drawing unnecessary attention to oneself in an attitude of grace-less-ness), but for most of us, earrings and braided hair are not a stumbling block.  And so, this is a standard that has changed over time.  Even the idea of wearing jeans (or shorts – gasp!) to church is one that 20 years ago was scandalous, but in many churches today is the norm.

I  like what C.S. Lewis says,

I do not think that a very strict or fussy standard of propriety [i.e., modesty] is any proof of chastity or any help to it, and I therefore regard the great relaxation and simplifying of the rule which has taken place in my own lifetime as a good thing.  At its present stage, however, it has this inconvenience, that people of different ages and different types do not all acknowledge the same standard, and we hardly know where we are.  While this confusion lasts I think that old, or old-fashioned, people should be very careful not to assume that young or “emancipated” people are corrupt whenever they are (by the old standard) improper; and, in return, that young people should not call their elders prudes or puritans because they do not easily adopt the new standard. A real desire to believe all the good you can of others and to make others as comfortable as you can will solve most of the problems.

(emphasis mine)

And so it would seem to me that modesty is defined culturally (while chastity is constant over time and space), it varies contextually, and it does evolve or change, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  The majority of women today are thankful for the emancipation from wearing skirts all the time and the expectation of long hair in order to be seen as womanly.  Most people do not consider these women immodest, it is simply the evolution of fashion and society.

Next time we’ll look at what our immodesty says about us.  And later this week I’m hoping to touch on the man’s role in the modesty conversation.  Pray with me, would you?  That the words I share will be God honoring and edifying to those who read them.  Let’s all believe all the good we can of others this week.

For His Glory ~

As I prepared to share on this topic, I read numerous blog posts and articles.  I also read the book Modest: Men and Women Clothed in the Gospel by Tim Challies and RW Glenn.  I’m going to reference this book frequently today and highly recommend you order a copy or download it to your e-reader.  In fact, I recommend it so highly, I’m going to give away a copy at the end of this series, so be sure to stay tuned!  It’s very short (I read it in a matter of a couple hours one night), but very good.  Challies and Glenn begin by stating, “Modesty has been made into a kind of captivity….We wrote this book not because we have a bone to pick with women or because bathing suits make us nervous but because we want to help men and women both discover the joy and freedom of gospel modesty in all of life.”  They also state, “Yes, modesty includes a women’s clothing choices, but it is about far more than that.  We want to look at modesty in its full biblical scope, which means: we must address the immodest man as much as we do the immodest woman, and we must address the person who speaks or behaves immodestly as much as the person who dresses immodestly.”

Challies and Glenn again say, “When we build theology without clear reference to the gospel, we begin to take refuge in rules….The Christians in Colossae wanted to please God, and they wanted their faith to affect everything they did, but they ended up reducing their thinking about food and festivals to a list of rules: ‘Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch.’  We aren’t a whole lot better off today.  When it comes to modesty we define the term too narrowly…and then surround ourselves with rules like ‘only this low,’ ‘at least this long,’….In fairly short order, the gospel is replaced with regulations.  Indeed, in this particular area, the regulations become our gospel – a gospel of bondage rather than freedom.”

What we end up missing is that “the gospel of grace informs and gives shape to what it means to be modest.  Modesty without the gospel is prudishness.  Modesty divorced from the gospel becomes the supposed benchmark of Christian maturity – perhaps especially for women – and a perch of self-righteous superiority from which to look down on others who ‘just don’t get it.’…Modesty, apart from the gospel, becomes a self-made religion.”

And so we first discover that modesty is more than what we wear, or don’t wear.  Modesty is part of how we show Jesus to the world, not only through our clothing, but also our speech, our hospitality, our generosity, and our kindness.  Modesty is for all of us, but it’s not all about appearances, which takes us back to when I said that we as Christians like to make our own lists of rules to measure ourselves and one another against, and as Challies and Glenn also said, “It is difficult to address an issue when the problem is always someone elses;” (because how often has anyone said “I really struggle with being immodest”?  No, it’s almost always the other person who is struggling.)

And we can see that part of the rub of the Bikini and Yoga Pant Wars is the way we have boxed ourselves in.  And I think part of the problem is that some of us are trying to fit everyone into our box, when the gospel gives freedom and grace and we hold everyone up to the standard we have set rather than the standard of love.

Stay tuned for more as we continue to unpack these thoughts on modesty and grace.

For His Glory ~

More in this series:

Modesty and Grace Intro

Modesty and Grace Part 1 – Backstory and Bible Verses

Modesty and Grace Part 3 – Culture, Context, and Time

Modesty and Grace Part 4 – What Does Our Immodesty Say About Us?

Modesty and Grace Part 5 – Who’s Responsibility Is It?

Modesty and Grace Part 6 – Where Do We Go From Here?

I grew up in a first-generation Christian home.  Modesty was not a topic discussed much, because I always dressed like I was about forty (not that there’s anything wrong with being forty; I’m getting there quickly myself) and so I don’t think my parents were particularly concerned about it with me.  I am confident that my mother has far more concerns about my clothing choices today than she ever did when I was a teen. [grin]

My husband, Matt, grew up in a more legalistic environment.  Not so much that his parents pushed legalism, but rather the ministry group they were affiliated with was riddled with it.  Because of his involvement with this ministry and this social media age and the fact that he has friends all across the country (and world) from this same ministry, the long term effects of this legalistic mindset have led to many a conversation in our home on legalism and grace and how we live our lives.  And in the world of legalism, modesty is always a hot topic, so it’s one we’ve hashed out a lot over the years.  And as the parents of five beautiful girls, we continue to hash it out, as we want to lead them well in this area.

Modesty is defined (per my Google search) as “the quality or state of being unassuming or moderate in the estimation of one’s abilities and behavior, manner, or appearance intended to avoid impropriety or indecency.”

That doesn’t say much really.  At least nothing specific.  It’s pretty vague.

Every summer, it seems, modesty becomes a trending topic on Facebook.  And maybe Twitter too.  The Bikini Wars, as I have dubbed them, start up and a dozen blog links get posted and both sides end up very frustrated.  I know I do anyway….I can only assume the other side does as well.  It will occasionally come up other times in the year (as in the newly discovered Yoga Pant Wars – I had no idea these were so controversial!), but summer seems to be the most popular time to publicly discuss acceptable dress codes, particularly in the area of swim wear.  And here is why I think modesty is such a “hot” topic:  Because so many of our other sins and struggles and choices can be kept hidden.  I can struggle with a porn problem or excessive drinking or a shopping addiction or laziness, and keep that a secret.  I can over eat or waste too much time on social media or watching television or reading questionable literature, and no one ever has to know.  But if I wear a bikini to the pool – or if I don’t, if I wear a v-neck shirt or leggings as pants – or if I don’t – those are all things that are seen and cannot be hidden.

We humans, and I think especially we Christians, we crave a list of rules, a list of do’s and don’ts, so we can measure our own righteousness and, if we’re honest, the righteousness of others.  Because God didn’t give us many lists (other than the 10 Commandments, which the Pharisees, we all know, turned into a bloated, weighty yoke that no one could bear), we like to make up our  own and stack ourselves and others up against them to see how we all compare because Satan wants us to believe we have to work for everything when God says it’s all a free gift.  And so, we cherry pick Bible verses and call “foul” on two-piece swim suits, strapless dresses, and short shorts, when the Bible really says very little about those things.

So, let’s look at some of what the Bible does say about modesty:

1 Timothy 2:9-10 – 9 – women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.

1 Peter 3:3-4 – Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.

Proverbs 11:22 – Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.

Matthew 5:28 – But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

1 Samuel 16:7 – But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” (emphasis mine)

1 John 2:16 – For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world.

1 Corinthians 10:31 – So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

This is just a sampling of verses, but I see very little in them that talks about necklines or hem lengths or the amount of lycra that is acceptable to wear to the pool.  I see verses that focus on the heart and where our focus truly should be – on loving and serving Jesus.

Stay tuned for more in this series.

For His Glory ~

More in this series:

Modesty and Grace: Intro

Modesty and Grace, Part 2 – Is Modesty More Than What We Wear?

Modesty and Grace, Part 3 – Culture, Context, and Time

Modesty and Grace, Part 4 – What Does Our Immodesty Say About Us?

Modesty and Grace, Part 5 – Who’s Responsibility Is it?

Modesty and Grace, Part 6 – Where Do We Go From Here?