Missing

I read other blogs.  I see the  photos.  I watch my friends’ families.  And I feel a small sense of loss.

I have a twinge of sadness that my husband has no son to walk alongside him.  No one to pass on his trade to, his skills, his business.  No one that *really* wants to wrestle or throw a baseball or watch the NBA (*gag*).  I feel a bit of loss that I have no son to influence, no boy that will eventually eat me out of house and home, or who will one day tower over me and yet still be my child.  No sweet, tender boy to direct in the ways of becoming a strong, godly man.

A boy is not what God has chosen for us.  He chose for us to have four beautiful girlie girls.  He knew that we would reach four and feel our family was full, quite possibly complete.  He knew that my husband would have to enter the world of estrogen and only have his work as an escape.  He knew I would not have to work through the energy and the physicality that is a boy and that I would occasionally feel an ache when I see other families with their sons.

Sometimes the ache is replaced with an irritation.  Sometimes I am simply annoyed, even angered, that others would think our family is somehow lacking because we don’t have sons.  This comes from so many places.  Friends, family, strangers at the grocery store.  You gonna keep tryin’ til you have a boy? Seriously, is our proliferation really your concern?  God knew what He put in my womb.  He didn’t make a mistake giving us four girls.  Each one is an incredible blessing.  Each one is perfect.  And I wouldn’t trade a single one of them to have a son.

Most of the time I am content.  I am satisfied with my girls.  I thoroughly enjoy them.  Like I keep saying, God knew.  He makes no mistakes.  One day, if He wills, I will have four sons through our daughters marriages.  And perhaps grandsons.  But I know that’s not entirely the same.

I know that we are not necessarily “done”.  But we feel no leading, no calling to add to our numbers.  Not naturally.  Not through adoption.  That can change, but it’s where our hearts have been for quite some time.

I do not begrudge the eight “x” chromosomes that God knit together in my womb.  But sometimes I still long for a “y”.

11 thoughts on “Missing

  1. What a beautiful post Sara. You made me bawl. Of course, I spent half the morning crying too, so that might be part of it. 😉 I’ve been reading Mary Beth Chapman’s story the last few days, she shares with a raw honesty and candor, something I have always appreciated in your writing.

    One thing she talks quite a bit about is the Lord writing our stories, each and every chapter. Do I like them all? Would I choose them? Would I edit out sections? Add little bits here and there? We like to think we could and it’d be better, but we *know* the truth. He writes what it is best, and sometimes there are entire chapters that we’d rather not face or watch be written for our loved ones either. He writes what brings the most glory to Him. The story that directs those who see to Himself. And that is a beautiful thing.

    Anyhow, sorry for the bunny trail…it just struck a chord of something that has been resonating in my heart these last few days as I’ve read and cried through her thoughts.

    Because like you said, God knew. He made no mistakes.

  2. Wow, Sara! I love your transparency about this, especially the fact that “God knew”. I can’t imagine Matt having anything other than girls. He is a wonderful father to them, and they fit! Like Shawna, you made me cry too, for so many reasons. Thank you for your honesty, it is so refreshing. Love ya!

  3. You have a way of putting the angst of motherhood into words so well, Sara. I’ve felt these same conflicting emotions before – wanting to trust Him fully but also grieving just a little for the loss of a dream. I guess this applies to more than just our families…but this is definitely one time when we come face to face with it. Thanks for sharing your heart. I love your blog. 😉

  4. Ah, Sara, from a momma of girls I can tell you that one day they grow up and marry—BOYS! If you could see Bret with his “sons” you would know that there is nothing lost at all by missing out on the part of raising them. They will come visit and eat you out of house and home and will grow to love you as their ‘Mom’. Our daughters were blessed with their husbands because I swear it feels Ike they have been a part of our family forever! And then the grandsons come and oh are they sweet!! Your family is just right the way God made it and it will be just pure gravy later on.

  5. Just a word of encouragement from a mother of 8 girls….and 2 boys. There are seasons to life. And sometimes in those seasons there are….times. At this time……but things change & grow & life is different than what it was. Be open to hear what He has to say – usually thru our hearts & not our ears. Maybe your heart is saying that this is a different season. I don’t know. I do know that there have been many times in my life that I have been satisfied, content, full, overwhelmed, done, over. With marriage, home schooling, midwifery, motherhood, family, life, death, pizza, DP, this day, this year, this hair, this house – life is what it is. And it isn’t what it was – now it’s different. Be open to change – whatever it is. Wherever He leads.

    I once was happy with, content with my 5 girls. Good times, hard times, all the time. We didn’t have another child in our quest for a boy, a son, a namesake – we had another child. And this 6th one was a boy. A blond, blue-eyed boy who on his 2nd Christmas gave me notice that things were…different! My girls had always gazed in awe & admiration at our beautiful Christmas tree – enchanted by the lights & gazing at thier own reflections in the glass balls. But Jonathan, aged 15 months old took one look at that tree, promptly picked up a plastic marble track tube, walked over to the tree & without 1 moment of hesitation, planted his feet, positioned that tube, swung & sent that glass ball flying 20 feet across the room. He was on his 3rd one by the time I had recovered from shock & gotten to him. By 2 yrs. of age, he could tell the difference between the sound of a tractor across the field, a truck on the road or an airplane flying over & would run to the appropriate window or skylight to see the MACHINE. That boy will turn 15 tomorrow, just received his 52nd Boy Scout merit badge last night & this evening turned in his Eagle Project Notebook for approval. He has decided to create a media center in our local jail – complete with handmade bookshelves, new books, a color-coded filing system, a new computer table & will train an inmate Trustee to repair & re-cover books & run the library. Best of all, he is implementing a new program which video-tapes inmates reading age-appropriate books to their child. The book & DVD are sent to the child to keep – Building Bonds with Books is what he’s named it. I am proud of the man he is growing into. I am honored to have the opportunity to watch this & to be a part. I would not trade this for the world.

    At the same time, I see God doing other amazing things – I have a daughter doing great things in her own little family & on the foreign mission field in France, another daughter serving with every breath, thru blood & sweat & tears & mosquitos, saving lives on a daily basis in Africa….

    Son or daughter – God’s creation is simply amazing. His work brings me to my kness – my face. I just want to encourage you to be open – not to peer/family/stranger/social pressure, not to fear, not to envy but to Jesus. WHATEVER He has for you – be open & see what happens.

  6. Oh MY tears Sara. Thanks for sharing – I am glad I stumbled across this post. I always seem to fall on posts that make me go through an entire box of kleenex. God CLEARLY gives direction to me – even over which posts to read on your blog. I appreciate your vulnerability AND sweet reminder that God makes no mistakes. Now to read Ps. 139 for more weeping. 🙂

  7. Pingback: What’s Going On Here « My Ears Are Tired

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