This week has been one of those weeks.  A week when I wrestle old demons.  This one born of temperament stubbornly resurfaces on a regular basis.  That old foe Discouragement he shows up when lists grow long and things go undone and it seems I will never get it right.  And how is it the Christmas season only seems to accentuate my inadequacies?

Last night I slumped off to sleep.  Heavy.  Weary.  Burdened.  I awoke this morning much the same.  With coffee in hand and Bible in my lap, I curled up on the couch with lamp and Christmas tree light to illuminate and asked, cried nearly, “Lord, I need to hear from you today.”  And in only following along on my Bible-In-A-Year plan, today is Romans 8.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (v. 1)

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. (v. 18)

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. (v. 26)

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can beagainst us?  He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? (vv. 31-32)

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. (v. 37)

And the verse from Streams today…

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (2 Corinthians 4:17)

And from Jesus Calling, yesterday’s reading…

“Your needs and My riches are a perfect fit.  I never meant for you to be self-sufficient.  Instead, I designed you to need Me not only for daily bread but also for fulfillment of deep yearnings.  I carefully crafted your longings and feelings of incompleteness to point you to Me.”

Oh, and Ann, from yesterday, with her words on disappointment and how it’s all about praise, not perfection.

And after all of this I stood in the shower, thanking Him for hearing me and answering me so quickly and for His great love toward me.  And He continues to speak, to minister.  And I realize that it is not this season or our schedules that are the problem.  It is my expectation.  I want something I cannot have right now.  I want slow, but that is not the season we are in.  With four active children, a business, ministry, and more, this is not the season for slow and we will all be much happier if I would just stop fighting it and embrace the crazy a little more.  We are making memories and doing good things and all of this can be a blessing if I can change my perspective and be myself a blessing to my family by being fully here in the crazy and being joyful in the midst of it.

And my heart is lighter as I realize all of this and I know all of those things that can weigh heavy will get finished and Christmas will be wonderful because it is not about how much I was able to do in preparation for the holiday but about being fully present to worship the One who came to ransom me and about pointing their hearts (the girls’ hearts) toward that same One.  It’s about setting a tone that makes them want more of Him.  And with a little more than two weeks left til Christmas, that is my prayer.  These things on my lists, they still need to be done.  But they can be done with a light heart when done out of love for Him and for others rather than a love for my own sense of accomplishment.

God is good to hear the cries of this broken vessel.  He is merciful to continue to remove the burdens I keep picking back up.  He is worthy of my love and worship.  He is good and He is the reason for the hope that I have and the joy of this season.  May His name be praised.

For His Glory ~

~ Sara