Week in Review: 2013 {Week 22} – And Some Honest Thoughts from an Adoptive Mama

Oh this week. It’s Friday. May has lingered long, and this week has lasted longer, and the mother guilt weighs heavy this week. And to even speak what weighs down seems unthinkable. For it seems that with our Haiti girl I’m not supposed to get tired or frustrated or discouraged. Because things are going so well when they could have gone so wrong. And I realize that. That things are going better than I ever hoped at this point. But our girl, she’s six, acts like she’s four, and has the verbal skills of a two year old. And I’m plain worn out. And sometimes it feels like such an overwhelming gift to have her here and sometimes it feels like I’m babysitting someone else’s kid. Indefinitely. And lately, I just want to hide from it all.

Perhaps some other mama, adoptive or not, can identify. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this emotionally isolated, this mentally alone. Probably since I last had a two year old. Add in moving and all that means for a family of seven and I’m ready for lengthy trip somewhere very far away.

And I listen over and over again to Jason Gray and his album A Way to See in the Dark and so many songs speak deeply, but this one puts words to feelings we struggle to articulate…

I’ve spent some days looking
For a length of rope
And a place to hang it
From the end of my hope
But where I thought hope had ended
I always find a little bit more

……

My heart is not lifted up
My eyes are not lifted up
But calm and quiet is my soul
Like a child with its mother is my soul

After a while in the dark
Your eyes will adjust
In the shadows you’ll find
The hand you can trust
And the still small voice
That calls like the rising sun
Come

And bring your heart
To every day
Run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away
You must run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away

Jason Gray, Without Running Away

And here I sit, quietly waiting for God to do a miracle in my heart and move me from where I am now.

But God is good and it will all be worth it and He writes redemption and He restores and He is doing something amazing here and I’m blessed to be a part of it. And I really am thankful, even in the midst of the tired and worn. Because it is a gift. But it isn’t easy. As one introspective child said this morning, “Nothing feels the same anymore.” No, sweet girl, it doesn’t. It’s hard sometimes right now, but it’s going to be so much better. Soon.

And I go back to a quote from Pastor Jim and cling to that…

When life is at its darkest – when the Giant Despair has you locked up, and the black raven won’t leave your door, and the demons whisper ‘give up hope’, don’t do it, don’t give up, look up…and say ‘God’. The greatest faith is born in the darkest hour of despair.

For His Glory ~

Signature

2 thoughts on “Week in Review: 2013 {Week 22} – And Some Honest Thoughts from an Adoptive Mama

  1. Sara,
    Thank you for sharing such rawness. I admit there are days here, too, where I feel so isolated and alone. Mentally shot and ready to run away. And this is with just three bios of my own.
    We are women who have the jobs of not only being mommies, wives, and teachers, but are also among those few who help their hubbies run their businesses. Some days I feel stretched so thin I could snap………Then, somehow, God always ever so gently reminds of the blessings, of just how quick and fleeting these moments are…..only a vapor. He steals me away to Wendys for a frosty and and French fries, and restores my soul. 🙂
    Know that you have been on my heart this week, especially, and I have been praying for you all. Thank you for being willing to be molded by God in plain view so that others may glean from Him and you. If you need anything, just send up the white flag….there are so many of us willing to come and sit with the girls, or sit with you and pray.
    Blessings!,
    Beth Ediger

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s