Author: Sara Vincent

Updates and Such

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It’s been kind of a long two weeks on the adoption front.  As the euphoria of our decision to adopt has waned, reality has set in a bit.   I have begun to wonder about different things, and worry has tried to take over.  I have desired to hold our little girl, and sadness has overwhelmed.  I have tried to carry on normally, not sharing this burden with my beloved, and I have drawn in on myself in quietness and isolation.

Last Saturday I finally confided in him what I was feeling, the fears, the emotions, the concerns.  He echoed all of them and understood.  He felt many of the same things.  Just talking with him about these things, I felt lighter, more joyful, more at peace.  I’m not at all sure why I felt I needed to protect him from what I was feeling.

Sunday my mind began to imagine having her in church with us, me holding her as the congregation sang in worship together.  It was all I could do to hold back the flood of tears.

Tuesday brought a fair amount of confusion and emotion that was finally resolved today.  It’s all good, as a friend of ours would say.  😉

We learned last week that it could easily be 18 to 24 months to bring her home after our paperwork is submitted to IBESR in Haiti and that can’t happen until after Matt is 35.  At the end of December.

I found out her birth date yesterday.  Such a gift!  One of the things I wasn’t sure we’d ever be able to know.  She will be four this month (four is one of my favorite ages!) and we will celebrate here in some way.  But, based on the time line we were given last week, she could easily be seven before she comes home.  There’s a big difference between a four year old and a seven year old.  And I am sad that I will miss out on some of my favorite years.  Adoption brings it’s own sort of grieving, I guess.

We plan to send in our agency agreement tomorrow.  I am thankful we are able to do this.  Thankful for this journey God has placed us on.  I know that He will see us through harder times than the past two weeks and all the timing is in His hands.  I trust Him entirely.  He is faithful.

Gratitude on a Tuesday

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When I was young, I always wanted a sister.  Someone I could play with, confide in, share clothes and secrets and life with.  For whatever reason, that wasn’t the Lord’s will for me.

But I was elated at the sonogram with our second pregnancy to find out that our oldest daughter would have a sister.  And I was excited again at our third….and our fourth!  (Okay, the fourth was a little anti-climactic, but I was still happy to confirm what we already assumed.  🙂 )

As I sat between all of them at church on Sunday, I thanked the Lord for the gift they are to each other and to me.  I am thankful that they have each other and that, for the most part, they enjoy one another.  It is a delight to watch them help each other, encourage each other, and even tease each other with jokes that are funny only to the six of us.  And I am thankful they have each other to learn how to live life together, living with someone who knows you well…good and bad.

I pray that as the years go by, they will be able to see the gift they have in each other, to see how richly God has blessed each of them.

I was out of the house all day yesterday, so I’m joining in a day late with the counting of the endless gifts with the Gratitude Community….

1143.  sisters for my girls

1144.  dinner with friends

1145.  Exchange City finally here

1146.  confiding in my beloved

1147.  knowing her birthdate

1148.  days that aren’t perfect

1149.  second-born playing piano lovely

1150.  watching her try to teach the youngest

May we all seek the gifts He gives each day ~

~ Sara

Week in Review

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It’s been a quiet week here at My Ears Are Tired.  Early in the week things were just too busy to sit down and write and as the week went on, I found time but not words, at least not useful words, so I remained quiet.  While I am usually more than willing to share our struggles if I feel the Lord leading me to, I do not want to come here and whine.  That’s not what this site is for.  And whining is what I would have been doing Thursday or Friday, so I practiced Proverbs 10:19.  In fact, my tongue hurts from how much I’ve been biting it this week.

It was another normal week here.  We are starting to finish up some of our school books already and I normally like this to coincide with warmer weather, but Kansas is not cooperating with me right now, so I’ve been trying to find ways to keep everyone busy in the house, all while continuing our weekday media ban (more on that in a bit).  I have more ideas of things they need to learn/take responsibility for (things that have been easier to do myself but I am now going to force myself to pass on to them – one of which is laundry because it has become impossible to keep up with and someone else needs to help bear that burden), so we will commence that education hopefully next week. I also see some deep cleaning as well as closet sorting/organizing in our future.  Watch, now that I have ideas for them, next week will be 75 and sunny all week and I won’t have the heart to keep them inside working.  😉

As for our weekday media ban, this was our second week of it and frankly, it’s kind of a pain because it is so much easier (and more relaxing for me) to just let them turn on the television or computer (especially during those pre-dinner hours) and then I can do what I need to do quietly and uninterrupted.  But, as I think I mentioned previously (although, it could have been just on Facebook), we were noticing some odd/annoying behaviors so we decided to pull the plug for one week.  Not a complete fast, but no more mindless sitting in front of a screen for who-knows-how-long.  If mom or dad decided to turn on the television (most often for KU basketball this time of year), then the kids were more than welcome to sit down and watch with us.  And we are currently in the habit of a family movie night sometime on the weekend, so we’ve continued that.  But, like I said, no more mindless vegging out and no more mom and dad using the television as a proxy parent.  The first week was fine.  By the end of the week the kids seemed to be settling in to the rule and all seemed a bit calmer.  Adding it back in on the weekend didn’t seem to cause a problem or confusion.  On Monday, it went back off. During our break, I have noticed more piano practicing, more reading, more playing of house, more playing with play doh, more asking to go outside on the nice days, more picking up learning to knit again….all of these things came in to fill their time when camping in front of a screen wasn’t an option.  And I was feeling really good about it all.

On Thursday night, I was planning to meet with another mom to talk about home schooling, so Matt met me at Chipotle and we swapped vehicles so he could take the girls home.  Apparently, he let the girls play on the computer a bit and on the DS.  I was fine with that until Friday.  On Friday morning I noticed every was pretty excited and kinda loud.  They have their outside classes on Friday mornings and they get to see all of their friends, so I just assumed it was that and tried to roll with it.  After classes, I noticed they were still really being loud and a couple of them were suddenly very fidgety again (one of the behaviors that we had been noticing before the media ban).  And then it hit me – the two that I was having trouble with had had screen time the night before.  And I thought, does it really make that much of a difference??? Perhaps I am over-stating the effects of screens (our generic term for television, computer games, DS, Wii, etc.), but the night and day difference in those two girls was shocking to me and I’m still praying about how to handle it with wisdom and balance.

We will definitely be continuing our media ban during the school weeks but I need to find useful ways to fill some of their time on the weekends.  The combination of owning our own business and home schooling means that both Matt and I typically need to use at least part of Saturday and Sunday to work on the computer, which means that we aren’t spending time with the girls during that time.  And the fact that we live in the city (i.e., no land/large animals to tend to) and that they clean with me during the week means that they don’t have significant, time-consuming chores to take care of either on the weekends.  Like I said earlier, I have some ideas for time fillers.  We’ll see how they go.  😉

Well, Matt was gracious enough to take all the girls with him to Emma’s riding lessons so I should go make the most of my quiet time here at home.  I wish you all a wonderful weekend fill with time with those you love most!

~ Sara

 

Just a list…..

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1130.  “clean” sicknesses

1131.  application in the mail

1132.  groceries before more winter

1133.  snow

1134.  the chiropractor

1135.  snuggly sickies

1136.  lots of naps

1137.  last Upward game

1138.  messages on forgiveness and living Radical

1139.  thunderstorm over still white snow

1140.  husband who helps me talk, sort through, hard things

1141.  sunshine

1142.  agency application approved


Ann’s post is beautiful today.  I hope you’ll click on over there and read it and be blessed as I was.

May your week be filled with thanks ~

~ Sara

Expectations and Grace

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Last fall, the ladies in our small group agreed to create a “book club” of sorts.  We meet once a month at my house and fellowship together and discuss our current book.  We are all very busy, so we’ve only been able to work on two books since September.  But it’s getting us all to read regularly and read critically, thinking about what’s on the pages so we can (hopefully) discuss them intelligently.  😉

The first book we waded through was C.S. Lewis’s The Problem of Pain.  There were times in those three months where I think we were all pretty convinced that this book was the problem.  But, it really was a good book, just much thicker reading that any of us had attempted in a long time.  One of my favorite chapters was the one on hell.  (Is that weird?  It seems weird.)  He offers a fascinating perspective on the subject.  Anyway, I recommend the book.  Just be prepared to read each chapter a couple of times to really “get it”.

Our current book is Do Hard Things by Brett & Alex Harris.  All of us in this book club are mothers with children either in their early teens or rapidly approaching them.  All of us want our children to be counter-cultural, not settling for the norm but striving for excellence.  We selected this book, most of us thinking this would be our pre-read and then we would read it with our children in the near future.  Great book! I definitely will be reading it with my girls soon.

But it has created a bit of conflict and struggle for me personally.  I was the child they talk about a lot in the book, the one who excelled – especially academically – and received a lot of praise from adults for being a “good kid”, but I never really had to work at it and only a couple of adults in my life ever really pushed me harder than I was used to being pushed.  As I look back, I struggle with regret that I wasted a lot of time and potential that God had placed in me.

I want more than this for our kids.  I see incredible potential in them and I want them to know that our expectations are high.  Not that we expect them each to be the very best at everything they do, but that we expect them to push themselves to do better, to never settle for the easy road, to always try harder.  This is particularly difficult since I like to settle for the easy road most days.  So this book has been a great challenge for me personally, to expect more of myself and of them.

So in my reading of this book, I found myself pushing harder with the girls, expecting more, requiring more, mostly in school but also around the home.  I wanted them to realize that we were not just going to slide through life.  But in my efforts to raise expectations, I realized this weekend that I had completely thrown grace out the window.

I’ve been working my way through Ann’s book on my own.  I finished it the other night.  And it was this weekend, reading her words, her words always full of grace, that I was reminded that I was missing it.  If I don’t show grace, all my high expectations are only clanging noise.  The girls were fighting against me; obeying, but not out of love.  We were all exhausted, exasperated, by this burden I had placed upon us.

This week, in spite of losing our rhythm, I feel like I have found my center again.  Gentleness has returned to my parenting, grace has taken up residence again in our home.  And while things are not perfect, we are all so much happier.

But my struggle remains….how do I hold my children, myself, to high standards while showing grace?  How do I communicate to them that we will not take the easy road, that we will do hard things, while still holding their hearts gently?  As I write, I suppose the best way is by my own example, through open, honest conversation, by inviting them into community with me to see how I live as a woman following hard after her Savior.

But what about you?  Have you found ways to demonstrate high expectations while showing grace?  I’d love to hear how you balance the two in your home.

Praying your day is filled with God’s grace and goodness!

~ Sara

Random Wednesday (and a tiny update)

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We have completely lost our rhythm around here this week.  I’m not sure how it happened.  But my part of the school day has been dragging on and on.  I can’t get caught up on laundry or dishes or the endless blanket-folding that occurs in the winter.  One child is in and out of consciousness (not literally) with some weird fever-sore throat-upset-stomach-but-otherwise-fine bug.  It’s nearly lunch time on Wednesday and I’m sitting here instead of doing history and science (which typically start at 10) because I can’t find two of my students.  **sigh**

In other news this is in the mail as of this afternoon!

I LOVED Ann’s post this morning.  In this my year of intentional slowing down, it struck a chord.

Wishing each of you a blessed Wednesday, friends!  May you enjoy your Maker today – He loves you so much!

~ Sara

Joy

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“Instead of filling with expectations, the joy-filled expect nothing – and are filled.”

~  Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

I read her book, highlighting like crazy the words that speak to me.  I confess, I was slow to take to it.  Why do I feel bad admitting that?  I have loved Ann’s words for years now, but it took a few chapters for me to sink into the book.  Perhaps it was just where I was at when I started and where I’m at now.  Life changes how we view things.  So much truth, so much grace spill out on the pages and I am reminded, brought back to the center of things I have learned, grace I’ve experienced.  I am reminded “without expectations, what can topple the surprising wonder of the moment?”

It is when I raise my expectations, demand something of God, of life, that I become frustrated, angry, impatient. But when I realize my right position, that I deserve none of it, then it truly is all grace and all a gift and every moment is open to wonder and how can I not give thanks?

 

1117.  discussions of Haiti

Geese on the still-frozen pond

1118.  him willing to lead, serve, sacrifice there

1119.  open windows, doors

Warm enough we were out in short sleeves, but the water remained frozen.

1120.  a break from school to enjoy a warm day in February

1121.  zoo animals also eager to enjoy sunshine


1122.  open sunroof

1123.  6:20 p.m. and still so light out


1124.  birds flying north, sign of spring

1125.  giant pearl moon hung on blue sky

The male lion was going to town on his tail!

1126.  allergies in February

1127.  still thinking of that dog on the second floor of the play house


1128.  adoption applications

1129.  phone calls that mean I’m actually doing something toward bringing her home

May your day be filled with unexpected joy!

~ Sara

Week In Review

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Note:  the following was all typed yesterday (Friday) and in the interest of actually getting this post up, I’m not going back to edit it.  So, just pretend today is Friday while you read or make the changes for yourself mentally.  😉

This week has been both long and short.  My heart has been heavy, my arms longing to hold that little girl.  I know this is only the beginning.  I am thankful for four pregnancies to condition me (ever-so-slightly) to the pains and heart tugs of a child you can’t yet hold.  But with a pregnancy, at least you have some assurance of when you will hold that babe.  This road….it has no definite end.  And we’ve only just begun the long, long journey. sigh

Yesterday turned into a good day.  Seventy-five degrees in mid-February makes everything better!  We enjoyed our zoo and the girls all took their cameras and each took about 200 pictures, I think.  And then we hit the Sonic play place for slides and Happy Hour.

Today it is hair cuts for chicks and cleaning house and hopefully this weekend we can de-winter the garage, porch, and patio a bit.  (Only a bit, though, as more winter is forecasted for next week.  😦 )  Everything just feels so cluttered and dirty from the winter, even the floors inside the house showing signs of melted snow tracks.  I may even charge the girls with cleaning out my truck.  It hasn’t been vacuumed in at least a month, probably more.  I don’t do well with dirty, messy, in my own spaces.  I start to feel things closing in on me and my brain just can’t focus on anything until I clean.

Added on Saturday morning:

The house is now clean, girls have trimmed ends.  Everything is feeling better.  Last night Matt and I enjoyed date night at a local Thai restaurant.  Money bags…..mmmmm!  Today is one of Chandler’s last Upward games and then, hopefully, a productive/relaxing day at home.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and that you are able to enjoy both work and rest.

For His Glory ~

~ Sara

*photos of Valentine’s cookies we made last week, in honor of last Monday’s holiday

Second Chances

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It happens nearly every time and so I shouldn’t be surprised by it and yet it never fails to catch me off guard.  The promise of a day off, plans to enjoy time together, relaxing, fellowshipping as family and the Enemy he wastes no time in inserting himself and turning it all upside down.

All week we have waited for today.  I had scheduled off Valentine’s Day in our school year, but with the promise of 70+ degrees on Thursday, we held off.  A day to sleep in a bit and then be outside, we long for the feel of the warm, moist air on our faces, arms.

But within moments of being up, the bickering begins.  Trivial annoyances, whining, and oh why today?  They go outside and two children decide it will be a good idea to take the dog up to the second floor of the playhouse.  Dog who does not go up stairs, except the few between the door and the yard, they take her up a tiny ladder that my adult frame can barely maneuver.  And when it’s time to go to the zoo and the library I learn of their scheme and now they can’t get her down.  Of course.  So I must wrestle 50 pound beast, her body stiff but trembling, my blood pressure rising by the moment.  And my flesh breaks loose.  I restrain my volume, but my displeasure is clear, and Satan has triumphed in the moment.

And the image is funny to me now; the wrestling of the dog, and wondering how they got her up there in the first place.  And how excited they surely were at their plan.

But we raise them to mature and to think rationally and then they catch me completely off guard with something so ridiculous.  And I know it’s what I do too.  With words, with money, with impulsive decisions….I do ridiculous things.

So how do we beat him at his game?  Satan, this enemy of our souls, that wears us down and then knocks us off our feet.  Prayer.  Grace.  Second chances.

Right now I am hiding in husband’s office.  Typing out my frustrations, my heart.  The blood pressure has returned to (almost) normal.  We will try again.  We still have an afternoon before us before we have to go to ballet.  The girls and I, we will hug one another and laugh, and trust the Lord to redeem this day.

And, hopefully, we’ll learn never to take the dog up to the second floor of the playhouse again.  😉

Where We’re At

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Just a quick update today on where we’re at with our new adoption adventure.  Pretty much, we’re in the same place we were last week, but with a few more answers.  😉

We know that our little girl is “available”.  They are creating her file and our name will be on it!  We are still waiting to hear back on what our time line, or schedule, will be.  Apparently, one thing Haiti is a stickler on is the age of the adoptive parents, at least that’s what we’ve heard so far.  Their age requirement is between the ages of 35 and 50.  Welllll, Matt won’t be 35 until the very end of this year.  (I won’t be until late next year, but – fortunately – only one of us has to meet that requirement.)  So, we are waiting to hear what we can start when, so that we don’t do things too early and have them expire and then get to do them (and pay for them) twice.

For those that are interested, I will definitely post updates on our progress regularly here, so check back often (or subscribe 😉 ).

Again, I want to thank all you dear friends so much for your wonderful words of encouragement and support last week as we shared what the Lord is doing.  We are blessed to be surrounded by such a wonderful group of people.

May your Wednesday be blessed!

~ Sara