Finding Time….

March 14, 2014 / Sara Vincent / Leave a comment

When the week stretches long and she rushes out the door yet again and before leaving one of the littlest asks, “Mommy, why do you have to go so many places?” And she hits the highway and tears start to fall and the tired and the schedule just seem too much to bear.

And she purposed this year not to complain about the busy or the driving, but that slow life that Ann writes about, it becomes an idol, a thing coveted, and God works on the heart to tear down all gods but Himself.

She hears it somewhere….In your twenties, you have time and energy, but no money. In your thirties, you have energy and money, but no time. In your forties, you have time and money, but no energy. And that’s where she finds herself…smack dab in the middle of her “hurried thirties”. Running kids to volleyball and writing and soccer and ballet and science and birthday parties and in between getting groceries and folding laundry and dusting furniture, somehow finding time to run long and far just to keep her sanity and her jeans size.

And Ann also says that “if you track a man’s time, you’ll hunt down what he worships”. And it would seem that this one worships the highway. Or the tyranny of the busy.

But that’s not true. As she spends another week running the taxi service, God works in the heart. He reminds her this is a season and slow is an attitude of the heart as much as it is a pace of life.

In a family with five children and owning a business and serving in ministry and home schooling, life will not be consistently slow for a very long time. She knows they are not the people that were made for slow living, at least not all the time. And so trying to force a family of “fast-paced do-ers” into a box of “slow savor-ers” only results in frustration and feelings of failure. But she knows they can learn to maintain an attitude of slow….an attitude that can take a breath and step outside on gorgeous spring days, an attitude that can listen to a child’s story without rushing her, an attitude that the laundry can wait because stopping to sit down and just be is more important some times. She can learn to say no to good things and leave margin for the best things, the God-things. She can learn to savor the moments in the midst of the hurrying and she can continually learn to trust God with her time and her to-do list, knowing that He holds it all in His hand and if it’s His will then it’s already as good as done.

For His Glory ~

Reflections on Lies We Believe

February 14, 2014February 12, 2014 / Sara Vincent / Leave a comment

This one from the archives. And while some of the details are different now, the heart of the message bears repeating…..

Last week was wild busy and I didn’t have time to think about the downward spiral my mind was caught in, the rapid free fall my thoughts had given way to. How does a depression that I can count on coming always manage to catch me off guard and suck me in before I realize how bad it’s gotten? It came early this year with the realization that the holidays would be spent without Amania and I just couldn’t ever get off that emotional roller coaster. And last Saturday night it all came crashing down. Matt and I sat at dinner and I cried over my chimichanga. We talked long about kids and marriage and life and ministry and so much more. We went to bed, depleted and numb, and I opted to stay home on Sunday morning, unable to come up with the energy to put on my “church face” and pretend like all was well when absolutely nothing seemed “well” at all.

So, God and I, we sat and talked over coffee and the Bible and a legal pad. I listened and I took notes. And I recognized the lie that the devil had been whispering to my soul for months. I don’t know when it happened, I know it sneaks in from time to time, but I picked up that old lie again – that lie that I have to be someone else, we have to be someone else. That their marriage is better; that their kids are better behaved, better adjusted. That her home is cleaner, better decorated, more peaceful. That she’s in better shape, seems to have it all together, never gets discouraged. That her husband does this and their kids do that and she never seems to struggle, so what’s wrong with us? That in everything, in every way, I have failed.

And God, He so gently reminded me that He made me just the way I am. Yes, I am expected to grow, mature, and become more like His Son, but that doesn’t mean becoming some other created being. When He made me so long ago, He knew what my bent would be – how I would love, how I would mother, how I would teach, serve, live. He knew I would struggle with patience and I am confident that He laughed just a little as He placed each girl in my womb and in my heart at my general intolerance for drama (other than my own, of course). When He gave me a husband whose primary love languages are physical touch and encouraging words, He knew that those would be the two love languages hardest for me to give. He knew. And I can rest in the fact that He knew. I don’t have to compare our home, our family, our school to the family down the street or across the country or on the other side of the computer screen. I can rest confidently in what He is doing right here, right now, in our home, in our family. He knew exactly what our strengths and our struggles would be when He brought us all together. I can also trust that He’s not finished. He will keep working in us and through us and for us – for His glory and our good. So I choose to rest confidently in Him and in His promises. He is faithful.

For His Glory ~

On Being Present

February 13, 2014February 12, 2014 / Sara Vincent / Leave a comment

A needed reminder from the archives. Appropriately enough, as I head out of town.

I realize this morning as I lay in bed, wide awake and talking to God at 3:15, that I have completely checked out on this school year. And, ashamed as I am to admit it, I have checked out of family life in a lot of ways the past couple of months.

This year started off well. The first month was one of our best ever. And then some switch flipped, or a series of switches, I’m not sure….but this has been, hands down, the most challenging school year we’ve done. Not for any one thing or subject or child, just every day a waking up and realizing we are going to fight the same battles today that we fought yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. And I realized that at some point in the past six months, I threw up my hands in defeat and gave in to merely making it through this year, pinning all of my hopes of improvement on next year with new curriculum, new plans, and new possibilities.

As my children go through their day reminding me more and more of chickens in a barn yard – distracted, squawky, messy, and pecking a lot at each other – I wonder what on earth is missing, what am I doing wrong? And I realize it’s me. I’m at the table, but I’m not present. I’m in the room, but my mind is two dozen other places. And I believe that therein lies the answer, they sense my absence and surrender to the madness and they sense the lack of structure in spite of all the systems and structures I have in place. They need my presence more than anything – not just physical, but mentally engaged, emotionally available.

And I believe that’s the hardest part of this. To make myself emotionally available to people who daily have the capacity to hurt me, most often unintentionally. To have their fleshly natures thrust in my face each moment of each day, thus baring my own sin nature as well….it’s hard. And exhausting. And that’s why I’ve withdrawn. Distance is easier than dealing with it day after day after day. And that’s a totally wrong way of handling my kids.

So, today, on this last day of the 3rd quarter of the school year, on this Leap Day 2012, we will do a little bit of school this morning, then head out on a couple of field trips. I will do my best to engage my girls and set a new tone for the last nine weeks. I can’t pin all my hopes on next year. Next year doesn’t need that kind of pressure. I can only choose to be available to my family and make each day the best it can be. And this is a scary thing to put out there. Not only for the brutal honesty of it all, but also the accountability, because now I have to engage. I can’t just think about it and ignore it. I have to do it, knowing that I don’t have the emotional energy to do this day in and day out. But God, He gives grace each day, mercies every morning. And if He has called me to this, which I believe He has, then I can also trust Him to equip me for the task. As I had my quiet time this morning and these thoughts all rolled around in my head, He gave me this as I opened the devotions on my phone:

“You are on the right path. Listen more to Me, and less to your doubts. I am leading you along the way I designed just for you. Therefore, it is a lonely way, humanly speaking. But I go before you as well as alongside you, so you are never alone. Do not expect anyone to understand fully My ways with you, anymore than you can comprehend My dealings with others. I am revealing to you the path of Life day by day, moment by moment. As I said to My disciple Peter, so I repeat to you: Follow Me.” ~ Jesus Calling, February 29

There will be more hard days, but my Jesus is with me, every step, and my kids deserve to have me – all of me – here with them.

For His Glory ~

Emptied to be filled

February 11, 2014February 11, 2014 / Sara Vincent / Leave a comment

I hate to say it, but it’s true….when you come off a mountain top weekend you can expect to find yourself in a valley come Monday.

All weekend I listened to women I admire speak and share from their hearts and ignite passion in their listeners. I had complete and uninterrupted thoughts for 8 whole hours on a Saturday. Then I went to dinner with my beloved. I felt like a woman who had dreams and goals and aspirations (and a brain that could think deep thoughts) again.

And Monday dawned and real life resumed and trying to fit in the passion and purpose and calling is hard when your day is spent in obedience to God but not where your gifts are.

I do not disdain this place where I’m at. This motherhood is an incredible gift and this home schooling is where God is shaping me most. And I can only trust that by the time the last one graduates I will have learned what I need to learn, and I can hope that I learn it before then. And as ugly and messy and imperfect as our days may be, I know that I know that I know this is where we are supposed to be.

But as I work out what God is teaching me between making meals and answering math questions and trouble shooting computer problems and drying tears over broken doll glasses, I pray. I pray that He would take the gifts that He made me with and use them. Somehow, in the midst of this mundane, use them. For His Kingdom, for His glory.

And I want to pray that I will find fulfillment in this task He’s given me. That home schooling would satisfy me and make me feel my purpose. But maybe my fulfillment isn’t the point. Perhaps the point is a constant emptying of myself and being filled by Him. Perhaps that’s the lesson in this valley. Yes, He gave gifts that are to be used to point others back to Him. But maybe the greatest gift is pouring these gifts I can see back out to Him at this time, day after day after day, and doing something hard and uncomfortable and inconvenient and absolutely draining. And resting in Him to fill me with His grace.

For His Glory ~

Wasted…

January 31, 2014January 31, 2014 / Sara Vincent / 5 Comments

Relying on God has to start over every day, as if nothing has yet been done.

~ CS Lewis

It’s not been a banner parenting week. I’ve been irritable, overwhelmed, tired, and generally unpleasant to be around. I’ve spent too much time on FacebookInstagramPinterest and not enough time engaging with real people (i.e., the ones I live with). I’ve complained too much, let goals fall by the wayside, and eaten way too much chocolate in the past 36 hours (Exhibit A – the jar of chocolate chips sitting in front of me). I sent the girls to my mom’s today to make cookies, partly to give them a friendlier face to be around.

I gave myself a pep talk on Wednesday, and I felt a lot better. Until Thursday dawned and I need the pep talk again but didn’t have the mental energy to give it. So we slogged through the day much like we slogged through the week.

I hate weeks like this. Weeks where I sit here and honestly feel like I just wasted five days of my life. I did what was necessary to keep us all alive and moving forward, but I don’t feel like I gave the best of myself, or even close to that. But the fact is, there’s absolutely nothing I can do about the past five days. They are over and done with. I don’t get them back, I don’t get a do over. I did get to ask my girls’ forgiveness this morning as I drove them to classes – forgiveness for being a cranky, inattentive mom all week. And of course they forgave, because kids are awesome like that. And I do get to try again. To hit a mental reset on my life and disconnect a bit from social media while reconnecting with my favorite little humans. To pray again for God to give me His eyes and His heart for my children (in all their human quirkiness) and that He would help me get over my selfish self.

And that sort of refreshing, make-me-new grace is something to rejoice about.

May your weekend be filled with the fullness of God and the humble beauty of fully relying on Him.

For His Glory ~

2013: Year in Review

December 31, 2013 / Sara Vincent / Leave a comment

As we prepare to say farewell to 2013 and welcome 2014 tonight, it only seems fitting to look back one more time on this super-crazy-good year…

2013 started with me just so thankful that the holidays were over. Thanksgiving and Christmas without Amania last year was indescribably difficult, and for the first time I can remember, I was just happy it was over. We rolled right on through January and February waiting for news, and in March our answer came – our girl was coming home!

But, first – one last vacation as a family of six to our favorite ranch in Colorado – Lost Valley!

It snowed and it was cold and Matt was sick and exhausted and in some ways the trip was a forecast for our whole year – good, but not easy, but like everything else, I’m so glad we did it.

Just a few short days after that, Matt and I packed up to head to Haiti to bring our girl home….

And then the process of adjusting to this new family member began. Everyone did amazingly well and it wasn’t long really before she felt like just another one of our girls. It has been a continual process in some areas, and will be for some time, I’m sure; but we are blessed in how easy, all things considered, the transition has been.

And then it snowed. In May.

And then, because our lives were just too normal (???), we decided to buy a new (to us) house. And so, what was meant to be a relaxing summer of bonding and recovery turned into an insanely busy summer of packing, home repairs, moving, showings, inspections, closings, unpacking, painting, and more. I’ve never been so happy to see a summer end and a school year begin, just so we could have some structure to our lives again! But, it was totally worth it.

out with the old…..

in with the new(er)….

And all that crazy ended up pushing me over the edge and I faced a season of depression I haven’t seen in years. And God, in His great wisdom and mercy, introduced our family to essential oils and we have become completely committed to this crazy, oily way of life. And because of my (sometimes excessive) transparency, I have been blessed with the opportunity to share oils with many old and new friends and watch them also find healing in these seemingly simple treasures.

In August we started a new school year and we settled in a bit and since then we’ve helped organize a race and had friends visit and taken road trips and celebrated birthdays and life has been beautiful.

And we played soccer and we played volleyball and I got a tattoo to remind me that hope is that anchor for the soul that gives the heart wings.

And Thanksgiving and Christmas came again and everything was different because everything has changed. And two years ago I never would have guessed I could be happier than I was then and a year ago I never would have guessed what a year would bring and today I wouldn’t change a thing.

And a video, just for fun, because watching Amania open her “big gift” as we call it, on Christmas morning, was absolutely priceless….

(click the photo and it will take you to the video in a new window)

As we prepare to say farewell to 2013 and welcome 2014 and I look back on this crazy year, I can’t help but have a heart full of thanks for God’s faithfulness, mercy, and goodness. His love never fails.

Looking forward to a new year of adventure with my favorite people and following God wherever He may lead us.

For His Glory ~

Joy Find #16 – another year of God’s unending faithfulness and love

Celebrating My Love

December 27, 2013 / Sara Vincent / 1 Comment

Today my best friend, my beloved, my favorite, celebrates another year of life and I celebrate the gift he is to me, to our family. I continue to stand amazed at how God blessed me with this man and how thankful I am for the chance to live life with him.

I’ve shared many times (maybe too many) about how this year has been defined by changes, all good changes, but several big changes. And those changes had some big effects on each of us individually and on our marriage. Matt walked with me through a deep valley of depression the likes of which I hadn’t seen in well over a decade, maybe since before we met. I know he became discouraged when he felt there was nothing he could do to help me, but he never gave up and has been more than supportive as I’ve recovered.

I watched as people who never had an opinion before suddenly had loud and significant opinions about our family life and his work schedule and the choices we make. And he stood firm, recognizing that the path God is leading us down is no ordinary path and we may be misunderstood and it may be lonely, but with God we are where we should be.

And this year our marriage took a beating that I don’t feel like we’ve had since the first year we were married (the year that both of us thought we had made a horrible mistake and wished there was a way out). It has been a long, hard year for our marriage, but by God’s grace, we have held on to Him and to each other, never giving up hope that things will one day get better, get back to where they were.

And as our lives start to settle down, just a little, and we find this “new normal” I see glimpses of us again. But even if things don’t ever get back to what we once were (even though I’m sure they will), there’s still no one else I’d rather do life with, no one else better suited for me, no one else I want to grow old with. And I believe we will laugh at the crazy days we’ve come through and we will laugh at the days to come, because of the Hope that lives in us.

For His Glory,

Joy Find 15 – my beloved

My Rearranged Life

October 1, 2013 / Sara Vincent / Leave a comment

So I have this friend – we’ve never actually met, (thanks social media and the number of “real” friends my husband has all over the country, I have many friends that I can say that about). But she’s married to a friend of ours from here and they live out on the east coast and watching their story unfold has been a beautiful thing to witness. God threw them some major curve balls early on, but the grace with which they have handled it, has encouraged and strengthened my faith and the faith of countless others.

Last week she posted a challenge on her blog (found here – go read it!) to grab our cameras and take photos of our real “rearranged life” – no staging, no cleaning up, just real life. And as I try to make the camera (not just the iPhone) a part of my life again, I loved it. And what better way to celebrate the messy-beauty of life than to make art out of it?

So, this is my SUV.

This precious vehicle has gotten us safely around town and around the country for over eight years now. She’s been faithful and true, but she’s started to show her age recently and the fact that she’s driven by a family that doesn’t always prioritize car cosmetics.

Front corner:

Back corner:

Other back corner:

A couple of weeks ago all of the dings, dents, and scratches were really, really getting to me, to the point that I called the body shop to see what it would cost to get some of it fixed. And after hanging up I had to have a talk with God about my pride and attitude and choosing to just.give.thanks.

And, in what would seem to be a firm period on the week of wrestling through my car-vanity, driving home that Friday night, some random piece of debris (a small branch maybe?) flew out of the enclosed trailer in front of us on the highway and left a lovely new dent in the hood of my truck – on the one corner that was still undented. God’s funny sometimes and you just have to learn to laugh along with Him. 🙂

What unexpected beauty is God working in your life right now?

For His Glory~

Weeks in Review: 2013 {Weeks 36, 37, 38, & 39}

September 29, 2013 / Sara Vincent / Leave a comment

The past few weeks have been filled with many wonderful memories and opportunities.

The month kicked off with any fall activities that hadn’t started yet, starting. We began writing classes, ballet, and choir, in addition to our existing volleyball, soccer, and art schedule. Those who think home schoolers aren’t socialized need to spend a week in the life of a home school mom. The biggest challenge is being HOME to do the SCHOOL, especially in the years before you have a driving-age teen. So, for now, we do this….

{This is where you’ll have to imagine a picture of Grace doing school in the back of my SUV. That photo is currently sitting on my waterlogged iPhone, unable to be retrieved. 😦 }

We celebrated my birthday in early September by doing school, going to volleyball practice and a soccer scrimmage, and then enjoying Subway and brownies at home. Since our oldest is thirteen and this is the first birthday that’s been spent doing kid activities, I figure we’ve done pretty well. Matt and I did celebrate a couple of weeks later by going to one of our favorite places in Lawrence and discussing our budget and (more) kid’s activities. Clearly, we’ve lost our touch when it comes to celebrating birthdays. 🙂

All kidding aside, I never fail to be blessed by my generous kiddos and husband who do sacrifice and go out of their way to make every birthday special – not only mine, but each other’s too. We’ve got a pretty fantastic crew running around over here.

The first two weeks of September were defined by helping with a local obstacle race benefiting Amania’s orphanage. This was our second year being part of that event, and while it’s a lot of work, it’s something everyone enjoys being part of and lots of great memories were made.

We were blessed to have friends from Minnesota drive down to do the race and stay with us. What a great time we had – all fifteen of us(!) – that weekend.

On Friday this past week, I had a mini-Mama-meltdown. In spite of oils and supplements and whatever I tried, I could not get my stress and anxiety under control. Too many balls in the air and never enough time to deal with them all was making me crazy. And as I ranted to my mama that afternoon, she flat out told me what I needed to hear – I expect too much of myself. With five kids and their schedules and home schooling and the house and a husband who works more than average and all the feeding and errands and laundry and life, it’s no wonder I sometimes feel like it’s a matter of just keeping everyone fed and some semblance of order going in our home day after day after day. And while I didn’t want to hear what she said, and while the never getting ahead gets old, she was right. As I give grace to others when life throws them a curve ball and they can’t meet some expectation, I must also give grace to myself – because this life God has blessed me with is still a giant curve ball compared to what I envisioned and the process of becoming who He is making me into is always stretching, always growing, always being refined. But the person I am now compared to the person I once was is worth the sacrifice. And I know that by His grace, He will continue to make me more like Jesus through all of this every day crazy.

So that about sums up our September. More words are in the works as I continue to find my voice again.

For His Glory ~

(Almost) Four Months Home

July 25, 2013July 25, 2013 / Sara Vincent / 4 Comments

Four days shy of four months home and I realize that many were eager to hear stories of Amania’s birth into our family and her transition as she becomes one of us. And I realized I’ve shared far more about my struggles and wrestling these past four months than about her and there is a reason for that….she is doing amazingly well. Dark skin and thick accent aside, it’s as though she’s always been here, as though she was born of my body and not just our hearts. She is funny and emotional. She is smart and moody. She says she’s a princess, then she says she’s a ninja, and then she’s a ninja princess. She plays dress up with Ellie and has tickle fights with everyone. She slumps her shoulders and lets out a huge sigh every night at 8:00 when I say it’s time for bed (just like all of her sisters did at that age, and some still do). She’s learning to enjoy reading time and will grab books and sit for an hour like the others, although she’ll spend at least half of that time asking myself or one of her sisters what time it is in hopes that she can be finished. She loves to work and loves to help and will be genuinely sad if the big girls are working and I can’t find something for her to do. (Okay, maybe that’s not like the other girls.) She is finding her place as another mother hen, in spite of being the youngest. She tattles and whines and gives dirty looks when she’s angry. Lately, she has taken to asking for cookies every morning for breakfast. We have never, in our history of parenting and certainly not in the past four months, served cookies for breakfast. And yet, she acts genuinely shocked and dismayed when I say no every morning. She says things like “gubble-u” for the letter “w”. She speaks almost completely in English except for words like “li”, “nou”, and “kouniya” (which she uses both correctly in Creole and as “can you” or “can I” in English”). She wants to be independent just like her sisters and last week told Matt “Dad. No. Stop.” and made him wait in the hall as she walked to her Sunday school class alone. Sometimes she still wears a jacket in the air conditioning or on mornings when it’s in the low 80’s. She loves to sing and dance and ride her bike in the driveway. She swims like a fish and can’t wait to start kindergarten in a few weeks. By all appearances, she’s a very healthy six year old. And in spite of our struggles as a family, as a couple, and mine personally, this has been an amazing adventure. Watching God weave a new member with her own story and background into a family already established, marveling at her choice, her willingness, to simply come along with us and become one of us, seeing the work God is doing in all of our hearts and our family – it’s a remarkable and beautiful thing. We know that, like all of parenting, there will be more struggles, but we are so grateful to be on this journey together.