I don’t know if it was the spring break or the broken arm or the James MacDonald video in Sunday school. It may have been the turning of the calendar page to April and the knowing that by the end of this month all of our school books will be put away. It could be the beautiful sunshine or simply the prayers of others. But something in the past two weeks has shifted. Something has broken loose and I no longer feel the weight, that burden I have born all year. I’m still more than ready for this year to be behind us, but I can face each day. I’m still totally over starting each day in the early morning dark and feeling like I’ve accomplished nothing come the end of the day, but soon that too will change.
And I give humble thanks for what the Lord has been showing me, that the bearing up under the trial is where the blessings are gained. That my idol of a “manageable schedule” is just that – an idol. And while I still firmly believe we have bought a lie about how busy we must be and how much we must do, I still can find peace and strength in Him as we finish this crazy year off. I thank Him for showing me that my younger girls still need to be read to at night and washing the hair of my oldest (for this short season) is a blessed gift. That handing off my role in our business feels a whole lot like sending my kid off to college and it’s hard but He has purpose in that too and a quiet relief comes with it.
This year has been a wild, rough ride. But I can see glimpses now of His purposes. Purposes of teaching me flexibility and greater trust in Him. Teaching me to have faith in Him and what He’s up to in my kids and trusting Him for results I may not see for years. A purpose of teaching me to go even deeper into the Word, further into prayer. Establishing systems in our home to foster encouragement and kindness and thanksgiving. Reminding me of the joy of making my home beautiful with my own hands.
He has carried me. And He will continue to carry me. More hard days will come, perhaps more hard years. But there will be purpose in those as well. And He will be with me. And I will continue to give thanks.