Things That Haunt

There are sins and scars that we carry around with us, no matter how often we repent and forgive and make new.  They are sins that were committed against us, against our will.  And they are sins committed against ourselves.  Both leave scars and marks – brandished with a scarlet A – never to forget.

Time fades the marks, but sometimes the demons that created them cut them back open.  There’s no preparing for it.  They follow you everywhere.  Even to tropical, peaceful places, where you think you should be able to escape.

**********

I lay in bed, fighting against the one I’ve hurt, fighting against myself.  I battle the lies in my head and silently ask God why.  The silence answers back.  Perhaps He doesn’t speak because He doesn’t need to.  We’ve hashed this out before.  I know the truth.  But sometimes….sometimes the lies shout louder than the truth.  Too often it seems the truth whispers.

The one I love fights his own battles on the other side of the bed.  His own demons and lies fill his head.

This is not how it was meant to be.  This is not what we were made for.  But broken people in a broken world hurt and in the crucible of marriage where we are laid bare and torn open, we can hurt even deeper.

We sleep.  It’s late.  We’re both tired.  Nothing productive will come of further discussion now.

Wounds still bleed in the morning.  Scars are still raw.  But talk comes more easily.  We know the enemy of our souls, of our marriage, is the one who started this battle.  It is him we rage against, not each other.

We pray and reunite, our hearts still wounded, but our resolve strengthened.  Things of the past cannot be changed and decisions made long ago will follow us forever.  But we serve a God who makes all things new.  He is a God of second chances.  He forgives and never gives up.  And we must be the same to each other.

I was nineteen, you were twenty-one
The year we got engaged
Everyone said we were much too young
But we did it anyway

We bought our rings for forty each
From a pawn shop down the road
We made our vows and took the leap
Now fifteen years ago

We went dancing in the minefields
We went sailing in the storm
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that’s what the promise is for

“I do” are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I’ve heard
Is a good place to begin

‘Cause the only way to find your life
Is to lay your own life down
And I believe it’s an easy price
For the life that we have found

And we’re dancing in the minefields
We’re sailing in the storm
This is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that’s what the promise is for

So when I lose my way, find me
When I loose love’s chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith, till the end of all my days
When I forget my name, remind me

‘Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man
So there’s nothing left to fear
So I’ll walk with you in the shadowlands
Till the shadows disappear

‘Cause he promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
So in the face of all this chaos, baby,
I can dance with you

Dancing in the Minefields / Andrew Peterson

5 thoughts on “Things That Haunt

  1. If it makes you feel the tiniest bit better, we who almost never-ever fight, predictably have a fight on every trip we take. ❤

  2. Beautiful and so wonderfully honest. I think it’s lovely that you could be hurt, bleeding, wounded, crushed, yet still lay beside each other. That shows your relationship is a safe place to work through these things. I’m so glad things were better in the morning – amazing what a bit of sleep can do – and hope for much healing for both of you.

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